I had such a terrible night, or should I say let’s make that a year….

I walked into 2013, dreaming big convinced I was going to be able to do the will of God, by touching one person at a time…showing them the heart of Jesus…blabber…blabber..blabber and so on… but as the reality started becoming part of this picture, I realised who am I anyway?  Not anyone special definitely not the person for the job.. Lord please pick someone else… Lord I am sure there is loads of people jumping up and down arms in the air screaming “pick me Lord.. Pick ME” (NOT)

But as I equipped myself with all the weapons God has supplied me, I ventured out into the unknown, knowing this will not be easy… But come on people, I serve the living God!!  That is all I need!

But as my journey continues I realised that my equipment was definitely good for the job, but I underestimated the tactics of my enemy.  The one person I didn’t think would become part of my battle was the one person the enemy was using to kill the voice inside of me!

Why is it that children of God, the same people that call out to the same God I serve are the very people that bring me not just too my knees, but completely flat on my face, winded and scarred I stand up, you know the God we serve and all is my protector and its expected of me.. You know I have a name to maintain and I am walking around claiming to love this man we crucified…The Almighty God, the name I have put on the walls of Olifantshoek for all to see… and then…; all of a sudden I realise’ I have not been able to take one more step… I lay here under the Saviours Grace, at His feet, licking my wounds, trying anything to not go back out there!  Lord, please don’t send me back; don’t let me go… come with me… Together You and I can hide under my bed Lord… I can’t be seen there, and the judging eyes are so close out there in the world, but in here closed by the four walls of my room, I can actually convince myself that I am not that bad….and again my voice breaks and my heart cries out Father forgive me…for being so weak!

Today as I lay on the floor of Jesus JunXion, doors locked lights off… I cried, I think if I remember I laid in the fetal position, and it’s even possible that I was sucking my thumb…but I knew that I wanted to stand up, and I wanted to face the lies the enemy has used to steal my dreams, trample on my truth, deceive me in thinking that in my darkest hour, even God has turned His back on me…

I took my bible and I read a word that was so powerful and I have to share it with all of you, who feel too broken to stand, all of you who face your dream killers and want to stay in the fetal position…

Ezekiel 34: 16 I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak, but the sleek and the strong I will destroy. I will shepherd the flock with justice.

Jesus is not going anywhere and He will seek you and mend your brokenness and strengthen your weakness.. How amazing!

But what was truly amazing is that God said if you read the rest of Ezekiel 34 is that children of God are no longer satisfied with the luscious grass and clean springs of water God has provided them, once they are fed, they plunder the fields and muddy the waters so that fellow children of God cannot eat and cannot drink and grow in the knowledge of God, they are not strengthened with the food God has supplied. BUT GOD WILL SHEPHERD HIS flock with justice…

So as our Father is, He asked me Gwen have I not told you that I will divide my flock and judge each according to His own, the battle is not yours and sitting here crying is not changing anything… so either you continue to cry, or you stand up and do what I have called you for…..

So yes… I guess I can say I stood up…. 🙂